The Last First Day

Today was Caleb's first day of kindergarten!! He was so excited; I was so excited...not really, but it sounded good didn't it? I was nervous; I am nervous. You're thinking to yourself "she's had two other boys head off to kindergarten, what is the big deal?" and that is the same thing I thought to myself at least a million times. The big deal is two-fold, the big deal is that this really is my baby, my last baby; I'll never walk into the doors again for the first day of kindergarten. While that is almost a relief, it's completely bittersweet. This is my baby, my sweet, sweet baby whom I love with all my heart; the one Chris tells me is my favorite...he isn't my favorite, he's my baby and unless you have one of your own, you won't understand. The baby is the one that you try to hold onto because it's the last time you'll get to do it, whatever it is. The baby is the one that you dress in "baby clothes" a little bit longer because you just aren't ready for him to grow up, he's the one that you let sleep in your bed with you even though you'd have never let the other two because they needed to "grow up". He's the baby, not the favorite.

Well, it just so happens that my baby also has some major struggles; struggles that we work hard on every day. These struggles are what make up the rest of the big deal.

I have prayed for a year, literally, for his teacher this fall. I have prayed that the Lord would carefully choose a teacher for him that would encourage him, and love him as he is, someone who would understand him, see him for who he can be and would help us in this journey. We sat on the carpet this morning listening to my third reciting of THE KISSING HAND as Ms. Pantall read aloud and I batted back the tears that are welling up in my eyes again and choked down the knot that has once again appeared in my throat as I thought of the His faithfulness. We are once again in Kim Pantall's class; Kim loves each of the children who walk in her door as if they were her very own. My baby couldn't be in better hands. I turn my thoughts back to the fact that this is my baby, my last one, my big boy, my little man. How did he get so big so fast? When exactly did this happen? I take the time to cherish this last trip to the rug on the first day of kindergarten, I thank God that we can be there, that He has blessed us with these three precious boys and again feel the flood gates begin to open. At exactly the last dry second, Kim announces that it's now time for moms and dads to give our kissing hands and say goodbye. Ask any of my kids, I'm the first one out the door. It isn't because I don't want to be there, it's because the bravery has lasted as long as it can. A quick hug and a kiss and we're on our way. Chris doesn't say anything, just reaches over to hold my hand probably in effort to seal the dam before it broke; I'm sure it had nothing to do with his own feelings (and I didn't look, because I couldn't).

In the safety of my car, I made all the necessary phone calls to let everyone know he was successfully into his first day and then spent hours doing things to keep my mind off of it. In reality, it would have been easier to spend my drive to work sobbing my eyes out and getting over it because it has hung around all day!!

I picked him up at 1:30 and he bounced right into the car. Caleb had a great day, a really great day today...maybe by next week, mom will too.